I have been plagued recently by a
recurring dream: I am in a place, usually a city or town, where I am at first
enjoying myself because it seems to be a kind of utopia filled with people who
are more or less hip, living an environmentally friendly and socially
enlightened life; but then I decide I want to leave so I can tell others only
to find that every place I think I can exit turns out to be a cul-de-sac or no
exit at all. I begin to panic, increase the speed of my walking and running and
searching but all turns out to be in vain: I can never find my way back to the
entrance where I entered, nor find another way out. It is about this time that
I usually wake up in a sweat.
At
first, I concluded that this dream was a metaphor for my current psychological
state: unsure of my next move, unclear how or when or if I am going to publish
my next book or whether I have any literary moves left. I know this is a common
ailment among writers who always think that the last book will really prove to
be the last, that all inspiration has
finally left one bereft of ideas and exposed as a fraud. And so I have
tolerated these dreams for the last few years, worrying about them some, but
not really clear about what, if anything, to do. Then this morning I awoke from
another one: same general tone and tenor, wandering through a seaside town,
lovely, with nice hip shops of artisans making wonderfully inventive wares and
restaurants that offer organically farm-raised or artisan fare. I ask someone
the town’s name and I am told “Capistrano.” Nice name, too, I think. I want to
meet up with my friends or relatives to show them my great find, so I begin to
look for the way out and keep getting caught up in cul-de-sacs or going in
circles and then find that I’m being followed by two rather threatening looking
guys who begin to chase me as I break into a run, and I end up in a corner
somewhere in a panic, grab a nearby bottle, of wine, maybe, and break it over
the first guy’s head and am about to stab the second guy with the bottle shard when
I wake up with my heart pounding. Again. No denouement. No exit.
Now
I am aware of Jean Paul Sartre’s play, titled, in English, No Exit. And as I remember it, the play depicts three people in a
kind of hell, which, in Sartre’s imagination, consists of “other people.” The three torment each other
in various ways, and the whole idea is that hell is simply the place in which
one re-enacts one’s characteristic sins or foibles or habits ad infinitum
because there is no way out. No Exit from the tormented room of one’s psycho-physical
drama. But my take on No exit is slightly different. After the latest dream, it
occurred to me that the no exit signified therein may well refer to the
inability of any of us, all of us, to escape the existential nullity of our
time: death as a full stop, the end of all our striving, with nothing at all
afterward. No reward. No punishment. No other people to torment us. Nothing. Absolutely
nothing. With no way out of the nothing. And what that does is throw into
question everything that we do, that we have done, that we can aspire to. It
requires, at the least, a re-thinking of what we are here for, indeed, a
contemplating of whether we are here for anything at all. Seriously
contemplating it. Seriously feeling deeply, and without artificial lighting or
solace, the dark night of the year, the dark night of the soul. Nothing. I am
coming to nothing. All I am or think I am comes to nothing.
What
also occurred to me, as I dwelt in this space, was that all religion, all human
striving and construction, in fact, is little more than a desperate attempt to
provide an exit from this dilemma; a way out. While we can tolerate the fact
that all other animals simply die without anything of them surviving in another
form, we cannot tolerate that same fact for ourselves. We are the special
animal. We are the chosen animal. We are the animal that has been selected to think
and to decree that we alone have, deserve
the grace to continue. We alone contain some inner core that simply cannot die.
It is immortal. It is far too precious to simply end, decay, change into dirt
and mud and become a home for slimy crawly things. At least this is the way
most religions portray those who choose to, or are born to affiliate with them.
Special people with a special dispensation from the deity they have invented to
provide them exactly this special dispensation, this exit, this way out.
But
my recurrent dream seems to suggest the opposite. There really is no exit. We
are all going to die, and we know it, and fear it, and retain the vain hope
that somehow, we alone will get that special dispensation and be spared.
Knowing all the while that the hope is vain. There is no special pez dispenser
that gives out little pills to keep the inevitable from happening. There is
none. There cannot be. Life cannot be without death. Others cannot be without
our exit. And we know this. We all know it. We know there is no special part of
us that will be allowed to continue. We know it. And yet, we keep hoping
against hope. Hoping so desperately that we are willing, some of us, to kill,
to kill others, to kill hundreds, thousands of others, in order to keep them
from denying us, from pointing out what is obvious: there is no surviving. All
changes. All dies. All ends in the same way. Trapped in circular streets, in Escher-like
streets that go nowhere. That never provide an exit.
Perhaps
this is freedom. Perhaps accepting this, realizing it, is what at some point
frees us from the terror. Frees us from our desperation to find an exit. Frees
us to simply live in the terrible knowledge that we are no different from all
else: temporary appearances who live out our prescribed days as best we can,
with no hope or need for reward, with the realization that the reward is simply
this—our daily lives of irrational hopes and irrational fears and plans that we
know are vain because what we are involved in is so impossibly huge as to be
well beyond our ability to comprehend or control it. Which is the same thing as
saying ok to it, ok to it even though our agreement, our acceptance is not
required, it matters not to what is
whether we accept it or not, but in some uncanny way it matters to us. To
accept what is. To accept our entrapment in it. To accept that we have, really,
no way out. No way out of our coming; no way out of our going. To accept that
all we have, really, is this strange gift: the ability to be there while it
happens.
Woody
Allen famously said: “I don’t mind dying so much; I just don’t want to be there
when it happens.” Though it’s one of the funniest things anyone has ever said
about this, I think he was exactly wrong: being there while it happens, while
everything happens, is really all we have.
Lawrence DiStasi