I recently gave a
reading in a gallery displaying the paintings, done in Italy, by Anthony
Holdsworth (see www.anthonyholdsworth.com).
One of them, portraying a run-down boarded-up farmhouse, bore the title, Questa Era Bella. This was beautiful. Holdsworth
made it the title painting of the collection because it expresses his artist’s
sense that Italy, that most human-scale of countries, is Americanizing so fast
that the ancient, effortless beauty for which its villages and landscapes are
known is being gobbled up and ruined by its rush to industrialization and
commercialization. In this sense, the title fits perfectly the more general feeling
I would like to portray here, the spirit that runs through human affairs,
through life itself: that each moment is already gone by the time we perceive
it, and that we all exist, thereby, in a constant state of nostalgia and regret
over what’s going.
We are always
told, of course, not to regret what’s past: as Edith Piaf sang constantly, Rien, Je ne regrette rien. But it’s neither
that simple, nor, fundamentally, in the control of each of us as individuals.
That is to say, each perception, especially of what we consider beautiful or
precious, is always already compromised by our knowledge that its beauty is, in
some way, enhanced, even created
by the knowledge of its passing. That’s because when we think of what’s most
beautiful and precious, it is always those things that last for moments only. A
flower—aside from the vain attempts of florists to make it last—is really a
momentary thing. That is what makes it beautiful and precious: the fact that we
know it must quickly fade, turn brown and fall. So is a baby. We know that it
is going to grow up, is going to soon be assaulted by the ‘slings and arrows of
outrageous fortune,’ but for the moments that it is innocent and takes joy in
every small aspect of its world, we value it and envy it and subconsciously mourn
what we know will be its passing. All things are like this. The grass of spring
is glorious, as are the wildflowers that sprout at the same time because we
know they are ephemeral, here for a moment, and then gone. The peak of an
athlete’s performance is thrilling because its peak lasts only for a short
time, and will soon be buried in aches and pains and injuries, to return no
more. The pristine beauty of a landscape or a city after a snowfall aches our
hearts because we know with certainty that too soon its purity will melt away,
or be blackened by soot and shoes and motor oil and plows that will make piles
of the filth it has become, that must be carted away. And though we like to
think that only others—other things or other beings or distant landscapes or
cities or civilizations are marred by this truth—we eventually must come to see
that the same truth underlies our own nostalgia for our very selves. For the
lives we once imagined we would always have.
The story of a
classmate of mine appeared recently in my alumni magazine. Barry Corbet was one
of the chosen ones, model handsome with the highest IQ of any freshman who ever
entered the college. Not only that, he was a superb athlete, mountain climber,
geologist and skier who spent much of his time climbing and conquering both
college buildings and peaks in the Grand Tetons. After graduation, he was
selected to join America’s first official team to attempt Mount Everest, along
with several of his classmates, one of whom was killed in an avalanche on the
second day of the ascent. Though he had paved the way for the historic attempt
to reach the unclimbed West Ridge, the death of his friend affected Corbet
deeply, and he insisted on yielding his right to two others in the party to make
the climb to history on May 22, 1963. After that, Corbet continued his career
in the mountains, branching out into acting and filmmaking as well. On one
filmmaking expedition near Aspen, CO, he agreed to shoot aerial shots from a
helicopter. Unfortunately, the low-flying helicopter snagged on a bump and
crashed. Corbet was nearly killed and, though he survived, it was as a
paraplegic who would spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. It took him a
while to pull out of the resulting depression, but he eventually decided he had
to keep moving, and set out to become “the most active gimp who ever lived.” He
was. Since river kayaking requires mainly upper body strength, he became a daring kayaker and a pioneer “Super Crip.” But so much stress on his upper body
eventually injured the rotator cuffs in his shoulders, and he became not just a
paraplegic but a quadriplegic. Yet again, Corbet fashioned a new life, first as
an advocate for disabled people like himself, and then as editor of a magazine
for the disabled, New Mobility. It
was at this point that he took up meditation and began to see himself, and all
others in a different way. Everyone, he said, “should accurately be described
as TABs, or ‘temporarily able-bodied.’ Everyone will be disabled at some
point—it’s just a matter of time” (all material and quotes from “Second Chapter,”
by Broughton Coburn, Dartmouth Alumni
Magazine, July/Aug. 2013).
Barry Corbet was
once a beautiful young man, a supremely able-bodied athlete. His devastating injury
and a great deal of work, both physical and spiritual, led him to understand
that this beauty, this ability, were more temporary than he, or anyone imagines.
Shakespeare, in Richard III, puts this
in a phrase uttered by Hastings, who is about to be executed in the Tower of
London: “Oh momentary grace of mortal men.” We are momentary creatures, our
grace, our attraction, our good fortune momentary at best. Compared to the
immense skein of eons involved in life on earth, or in the evolution of the
entire universe, our little lives and their successes and failures, regardless
of how much we attribute to them, are brief moments in time, infinitesimal
flashes of light that appear like motes in the sun, and then are gone. Mel
Allen, the great Yankee announcer who reigned on the radio when I was a Yankee
fan in the 1940s, had a signature call when a player hit a home run: “That
one’s hit deep to left field, back, way back, It’s Going, Going, GONE!” Though
Mel Allen meant it as a tribute to the thrill that is a home run, it is also,
in another sense, what we are. Going,
going, gone. Oddly enough, the central Buddhist sutra, the Heart Sutra, concludes
with a similar phrase or mantra in Sanskrit: gate, gate, para gate, parasam gate (pron: Gah tay). The words mean
something like: ‘Gone, gone, completely gone, beyond completely gone’ and, though
untranslatable, refer approximately to the enlightened state far beyond human
conception or expression. Or perhaps simply to all of us, who go and are beyond human conception. Our
momentary grace is beyond human conception. We do not really know who or what
we are. All we know is that we are temporary manifestations of something
immense and mysteriously beyond. The ancient Greeks tried to come to terms with this
paradox of human existence, with our knowledge of our own being-in-mortality.
This knowledge, said the Greeks, is both our tragedy and our glory. Unique
among creatures, we know we are going to die, which is a tragedy. But this
knowledge is also our glory: we teach it to others. We humans teach each other
how to die; which is to say, how to live in the knowledge of the certainty of
our death, our evanescence. That is what makes us human. That is what makes human existence
glorious. We know we are dying in every moment, and yet we live, if we have any
wisdom at all, any culture at all (which the Greeks knew they had), with this
knowledge as our glory. Our badge of courage, perhaps. The Gods, said the
Greeks, have it easy (as do the animals, for the opposite reason, their
ignorance). They, the Gods, are immortal and so never have to live with the
knowledge of their coming demise. Easy. To live knowing that you are doomed to
die, however—that takes courage, that takes grace, that is our glory as humans.
We are flowers who know that our beauty is already fading, and yet...
Buddhism tries to
come to terms with this same conundrum. Change is constant, and we all hate
change. We all want to be permanent, permanently invulnerable, we want what is
good and beautiful to last, and what is painful and ugly to pass from us quickly.
We can have neither. Everything, not only what is outside us, like flowers and
landscapes and animals and other humans, but what is inside us, our very organs
and limbs and hair and cells and the sense of ourselves that they produce—all
are changing every single moment. And while what we want is to make this change
stop so we don’t have to suffer it, what Buddhism teaches is the simple but
profound acceptance of this root fact. We change, we are change, we are nothing
but change. And trying to hold on to any momentary grace or make it permanent is simply ignorance.
Is simply suffering. Barry Corbet seems to have learned something about this,
for when he knew his body was finally giving out completely, he quietly refused
all attempts to keep him alive, stopped eating, and rested calm and content and
without apparent regret in his now, or still going, going, gone body.
This, then, is our
paradox. That which is most beautiful is that which is most fragile, most
temporary. Which is us. All of us. All of our beautiful moments, from moments
of supreme confidence in athletics, to moments of supreme joy in family, or
individual accomplishment, or sex—all of them are shadowed by this knowledge of
their passing even as we enjoy them. Even as we try to make them last as long
as possible. Even as we know that this attempt to make them last is futile.
Which is what, coming full circle, in fact makes them beautiful and precious.
The French song, Plaisir d’amour,
expresses this in music and verse. ‘The joy of love, is but a moment long.’ And
the next line, ‘the pain of love endures the whole life long,’ expresses the
down side, our complaint, our longing to have pleasure endure and pain
momentary. Unexpressed is the corollary: the fact that pain endures and
pleasure is momentary is what makes the pleasure so precious. But even that’s
not quite right, because this seems to suggest that you need pain to have
pleasure, and that they succeed each other in time. What is being posited here
is that the beauty and the pleasure and its fading are simultaneous, more, that
the beauty and the pleasure are literally constituted by the fact of their
simultaneous passing. Without passing, without change, no beauty. No pleasure.
And yet, as humans
we always, always try to make perceived beauty, felt pleasure, our supremely
able bodies persist, survive, last. We are even now feverishly inventing plastics
and prostheses and medications and computerized avatars of ourselves to outlast
the fragile physical bodies which many of us have come to hate. We hire plastic
surgeons to shore up our chins and our bellies and our buttocks with plastic, and
starve ourselves to avoid the drooping of that flesh which has come to seem our
enemy. Clinging. It is the root cause of suffering in Buddhism. The Greeks
implied the same thing: fretting about our mortality, wanting to be like gods (the
Romans literally tried, the emperors and their families tried to pass laws and
entreat their successors to make them gods), wanting to be immortal and godlike
was to ignore the real glory of being human: knowing we will die. Knowing that
what decays and dies is the only thing that has real value. And the modern
world in a thousand different ways is obsessed by the same ignorance: dying is
terrible; decaying unto death is a fate everyone must avoid, must fight even if
it causes immense pain and humiliation and a plastic world that never dies and
in thus not dying creates a proliferating monstrosity that will one day put a
permanent end to us all, for real.
All of which is to
say that we moderns have a long way to go to reach the wisdom the Greeks and Gautama
reached more than two thousand years ago.
Lawrence DiStasi